you take the good, you take the bad..

woke up this morning with Neil Young's "the needle and the damage done" in my head.. the other day, i spent all afternoon with the theme song to "the facts of life" dancing around up there.. before that, it was a song by Ben Kweller for almost a day and a half.. i've almost always got a song playing in my head, and not like everyone else does, where it's something from the radio or a movie that they've just recently seen - i'll have songs looping in my head that i've not listened to for months, songs that as far as i can tell have never been written or recorded, just a faint melody and unintelligible lyrics, turning over and over again through my synapses, until i have to immerse myself in something to find a release.. and there are times that i try to determine whether it means anything, like when you wake up from an especially vivid dream and try to put the pieces together, try to find some parallel to your own existence and travails, to convince yourself that the background noise that your brain is producing can't be random or coincidence, but instead has to have some extraordinary interpretation.. and it almost never does..

i guess there's something exceedingly wrong with my brain.. i've spent the last two weeks plus sitting around depressed.. not like can't get out of bed, thinking of offing myself depressed - more like don't see the point in making a concerted effort and unless it's essential to my survival or is really really fun i don't want to have anything to do with it depressed.. the way my brain works and the way that i perceive the world has always been a struggle to explain to people.. in this case, i missed lots of class, and i'm now at the point where i'm going to take incompletes for the semester, start seeing a therapist or someone like that, and go on from here.. it's actually a really incredible resolution to the whole affair, but as is predictable, i have no real emotional reaction to that fact one way or another.. but Dr. T made a comment about me having something wrong with my brain, a mental illness that causes me to think that way and feel like that, and that it was the same as having a broken arm, just not something anyone could see, and it's one of those things i've always known, but never been able to understand as clearly as that.. i'm terrified of being medicated and changing into someone that won't be loved by the people who love me right now.. if you want to know the truth about it, that is.. that's all i'm going to write for now, but i may try to say more later..