you take the good, you take the bad..

woke up this morning with Neil Young's "the needle and the damage done" in my head.. the other day, i spent all afternoon with the theme song to "the facts of life" dancing around up there.. before that, it was a song by Ben Kweller for almost a day and a half.. i've almost always got a song playing in my head, and not like everyone else does, where it's something from the radio or a movie that they've just recently seen - i'll have songs looping in my head that i've not listened to for months, songs that as far as i can tell have never been written or recorded, just a faint melody and unintelligible lyrics, turning over and over again through my synapses, until i have to immerse myself in something to find a release.. and there are times that i try to determine whether it means anything, like when you wake up from an especially vivid dream and try to put the pieces together, try to find some parallel to your own existence and travails, to convince yourself that the background noise that your brain is producing can't be random or coincidence, but instead has to have some extraordinary interpretation.. and it almost never does..

i guess there's something exceedingly wrong with my brain.. i've spent the last two weeks plus sitting around depressed.. not like can't get out of bed, thinking of offing myself depressed - more like don't see the point in making a concerted effort and unless it's essential to my survival or is really really fun i don't want to have anything to do with it depressed.. the way my brain works and the way that i perceive the world has always been a struggle to explain to people.. in this case, i missed lots of class, and i'm now at the point where i'm going to take incompletes for the semester, start seeing a therapist or someone like that, and go on from here.. it's actually a really incredible resolution to the whole affair, but as is predictable, i have no real emotional reaction to that fact one way or another.. but Dr. T made a comment about me having something wrong with my brain, a mental illness that causes me to think that way and feel like that, and that it was the same as having a broken arm, just not something anyone could see, and it's one of those things i've always known, but never been able to understand as clearly as that.. i'm terrified of being medicated and changing into someone that won't be loved by the people who love me right now.. if you want to know the truth about it, that is.. that's all i'm going to write for now, but i may try to say more later..

memory

my cat died late saturday night. to be fair, it wasn't my cat, and her name was Willow, so i should stop impersonalizing her. she was my mom's cat, technically, and my family's cat less technically. it was very sudden and horrible and sad, and even almost 48 hours later, it's still really bizarre. she was wrestling with the other cat one moment, and then maybe 20 minutes later, was in my girl's lap, where she coughed and made some horrible noises, then froze up, and a minute or so later, wasn't breathing any more. the vet said it was probably some underlying cardiac or respiratory thing, and that there wasn't really anything that could have been done. it's still just really hard to shake and/or accept. the other cat, as mentioned, is named Angel, and i can tell that she knows something is wrong, and i get this feeling of immense sadness from her, which is even more discouraging and depressing when you consider that we can't explain to her what happened, rationalize anything with her, or just get her to share her grief with us - she's a cat, and she's just going to sleep a lot and stare off into space, and she's already moved into the space that Willow abandoned. we're probably going to get a new cat, and soon, since we'd been considering doing so anyway, once the cats were gone, and now i'm really concerned about Angel and her loneliness.

i had a cat die a while back, right before i left Seattle. it wasn't technically my cat, either, but the connection i had with him and the angst i felt over his death was similar to what i had with Willow. i actually was probably closer to Porn (the cat that died) than Willow. i came home from work and he was lying on the wooden floor in the doorway to my bedroom. he was already cold, and had been eaten up by fleas. it was really sad, and i broke down a little that night. i eventually had him cremated, but it was really difficult, because that night i couldn't do anything with him, so i basically had to wrap him up like garbage or something. i know i shouldn't take some incredible lesson about mortality from a couple of feline deaths, but it was a little intense, especially for someone like myself who hasn't had any people close to him die; and because the way those cats died and how things ended up for them was so contrary to what would ever happen for a human being.

there's no real good way to end this, just as there's no good way to end a living thing's time of consciousness and existence here on this plane. goodbye Willow. sorry for how things happened, and sorry for the way i yelled at you sometimes. you'll be missed and remembered.

what's up with jeremy..

what's up with people, upon being introduced to someone, saying "i've heard so much about you" or "___ has told me so much about you" where ____ is the mutual acquaintance, or any such perturbation of that remark? there's no really good reply to that statement, aside from the overused, cliche, and at this point completely unfunny "well, i hope it was all good", or some perturbation thereof.. i see this on tv all the time, and that's usually the response, or occasionally they'll try to be witty and alter the stock reply just slightly, actually making the entire exchange even more banal than it could have hoped to be all on its own..
what's up with commercials for businesses or products seemingly focused on southerners that employ characters who effect what have to be the worst southern accents in the world? it's tractor supply company or something that has a commercial in which some guy in standard redneck gear (flannel, ballcap, farmer's coat) tells the audience about the great new sale, and rather than just respecting the audience and delivering his lines in the standard, non-regional vocal delivery usually employed by newscasters and any actor who hopes to continue to work steadily, he delivers it in some pathetic facsimile of a southern accent.. and i'm sure that this will work in 35 to 40 of the united states, because they've rarely or never heard of anyone with a true southern accent, and i'm sure that some of my annoyance is due to the fact that i live in one of the places where those accents are ubiquitous, and let me tell you, i've heard better accidental attempts at a southern accent than the one in that commercial, and you can bet i'm going to be on the lookout (or hear-out) for more..

game day

it's ironic that i'll be writing about this an hour before my friday morning class that i won't going to, but i was sitting in that same class two days ago and had an impression of an idea that i wanted to flesh out just to see if it sounded as stupid written out as it did in my head.. i hear all the time (being a sports fan) of talk by and about athletes about how much harder their job is than anyone thinks, since they have to work so hard in practice all week, and then when it comes to game day, they have to totally put themselves in a frame of mind that they can push themselves as hard as possible, and become warriors in a certain sense in order to play through all of the mental anguish and pain and blah blah blah..
my thinking in class two days ago was that going to graduate school involves a similar personality and adjustment, especially on a day like wednesday for me.. see, for those of you who don't know, graduate school (and particularly Ph.D. level coursework) isn't like any other classes you've ever taken.. you're not trying to get A's, you can't blow off papers and homeworks, and you have to seriously study and concentrate in order to even hope to keep up.. it's genuinely difficult and taxing, and your goal throughout your first two years is just to stay enrolled and sane all at the same time.. so, on a day like wednesday for me, when i have all four of my classes, it goes something like this:
11:00 - my microeconomics class
afterwards, i try to come home for a short lunch, because then,
2:30 - my statistics class
4:30 - my public budgeting class
6:00 - my organizational theory class,
and at 8:30, that class ends, and i get to come home.. so it's really about 9-10 hours of being at school, with possibly a short break for lunch, but the real intensity of it is that each class requires you to forget everything else that's going on and focus solely on that subject matter for an hour and a half or however long the class is.. and i'm being perfectly honest - you have to think only about that subject or you're going to get lost.. so, in a sense, it's game day for me every wednesday.. i have to have immense mental toughness and get myself into a state where i can shut everything else out for the entire day and focus on achieving multiple tasks that are all separate..
see, this did all sound a lot more likely and appropriate in my head, and part of the problem is that i'm trying to explain it just after getting up in the morning and i'm distracted by terrible morning tv.. anyway, i'll come back later and try to do better, either with this or something else..

while my journal gently weeps

so, as if i needed further proof that i'm getting old and turning into my dad all at the same time, there comes along this Beatles thing.. notice how i capitalize that, and i never capitalize anything? there's a reason for that, slick.. anyway, what with the movie across the universe being released more widely now, i want to assure everyone that i was on to the Beatles before they became the next hip thing for everyone to glom onto - and it's going to happen, mark my words.. i went and saw the movie this past weekend, and it was effing brilliant.. sure, there were times i thought it got a little corny, and i was a little bothered my some of the musical selections, and extremely bothered by the other people in the theater (aren't i always?) who were finding the movie to be much more hilarious than i was, but all in all, it was the best movie baz luhrman never made, and the soundtrack was so good that i already have the 2 disc version which has all the songs and just came out yesterday.. but back to my original point..
a while back, i got a library card so i could start checking out cd's and burning them to the computer so i could later load them onto my iPod.. well, that didn't entirely work out the way i planned, and the reason why not is a long story, so just suffice it to say i was getting some random cd's, and i grabbed Abbey Road (notice the caps again?), just to give it a whirl and try to remind myself what the boys from liverpool were all about.. and i was absolutely blown away.. you could say part of it was just nostalgia, since i'd grown up listening to that stuff because of my dad, or you could say that i was overreacting, but i think it was a general respect and appreciation for the musical aspect of it.. see, i've got really bored with and tired of music recently - nothing seems to inspire or really get me going any more.. yeah, there's the same stuff i've been listening to lately, on my iPod, and yeah, every so often someone will really shake me up, like so many dynamos, or the walkmen, or interpol, or whatever, but listening to the Beatles again really got to me.. i really saw where it all came from, i really heard what music is supposed to be like - engaging harmonies, melodies, song structures, lyrical poignancy, and catchy songs, but not schlocky and poppy like what's on the radio or vh1 all the time..
it's difficult to explain, but i just had this sensation that if i really wanted to experience great new music, i had to get back to where it all started, and for rock n' roll, or indie rock, or whatever, that was the Beatles.. so i've been getting it all - Revolver, Sgt, Pepper's, the White Album, and then the movie and the soundtrack that i was telling you about.. i even listened to Love, that re-imagination album done by George Martin's son.. and this is what i've come away with (bearing in mind i haven't gotten through all the albums, and i don't really care for their early stuff) - Paul was actually probably the better songwriter, even though i do admire John's pluck; George was really good when he was really good, but just marginal the rest of the time; and Ringo actually had some skills on the skins.. also, Dear Prudence is a great song, as is Eddie Izzard's take on Mr. Kite, and Joe Cocker doing Come Together (which isn't even a song i liked all that much to begin with)..
beyond that, don't call me a fair weather fan when the time comes.. yeah, i know everyone loves the Beatles, and you can say i'm coming late to the came, but i'm just saying that i've found something immense and spiritual in all of this that i never really understood or observed before, and that i'm coming early to the game that's about to be played when everyone starts singing the Beatles pretty soon because that movie is epic..

mannequin

i'm pretty sure that i've now become one of those guys, and i'm not entirely sure how i feel about it.. i'm the guy that gets parodied in tv shows and movies, that stand-up comics allude to in their act, the guy that stands around in the department store while his significant other browses through racks and racks and racks of clothes.. and then sits patiently with eyes glazing over outside the dressing room while she tries on said racks and racks and racks of clothes.. is this what a bonding relationship is meant to be? the only relative torture i could imagine putting her through would be to go shopping at record stores.. or watch sports - isn't that the gender stereotype? she loves shopping and i can't understand it and suffer through it, and it's vice versa for sports.. at any rate, through the need to cultivate and maintain a loving and happy relationship, i'm now the guy who is more or less cuckolded by Macy's..

oh, and i went to the thrift store the other day to try to find some new shirts, because along with the previous confession, it appears that i'm also renovating and re-defining my wardrobe, which isn't wholly out of my control, but still a peculiar development nonetheless.. and i couldn't find anything i liked, which certainly happens at thrift stores from time to time, but it wasn't even like i tried to convince myself of anything like i normally would.. i didn't imagine how certain items of clothing could be paired together in a muddled and motley fashion that only i could understand; i just shrugged my shoulders and went to buy some name-brand clothing instead.. and the things hanging in my closet look really nice - i have 4 ringer t-shirts from the Gap.. seriously? yes, seriously.. and i'm fighting the urge to cut off the excess length from my jeans and convincing myself to wait until i can have them professionally altered and hemmed, because it will look nicer that way.. next thing you know i'll be paying my bills on time..

there's always been an odd balance between how i myself dressed myself and the mockery that i spread among the people that i passed on the street and in the mall every week concerning their ludicrous fashion choices.. and then i met someone who shares that sense of mockery, but who also has good taste in clothing, and has indirectly and unknowingly pointed out to me the slight hypocrisy in my notions.. yes, socks and sandals are always bad, yes a brown belt and black shoes are horrid, and no you should never wear pajama pants out of the house, but what about a band t-shirt with holes in the fabric, regardless of how much you love that band? what about a sweater that's too short for you, even though it was a phenomenal deal when you bought it? at some point you have to accept that looking good actually means dressing well, and still expressing your personal tastes and styles, but not making your choices based on those tastes and styles.. fit and the holistic aesthetic has to come first, with flair and personalization being ancillary..

and don't even get me started on "what not to wear" and "tim gunn's guide to style".. i swear i still like having sex with women.. well, one in particular.. i'm just growing into myself, god help me..