memory

my cat died late saturday night. to be fair, it wasn't my cat, and her name was Willow, so i should stop impersonalizing her. she was my mom's cat, technically, and my family's cat less technically. it was very sudden and horrible and sad, and even almost 48 hours later, it's still really bizarre. she was wrestling with the other cat one moment, and then maybe 20 minutes later, was in my girl's lap, where she coughed and made some horrible noises, then froze up, and a minute or so later, wasn't breathing any more. the vet said it was probably some underlying cardiac or respiratory thing, and that there wasn't really anything that could have been done. it's still just really hard to shake and/or accept. the other cat, as mentioned, is named Angel, and i can tell that she knows something is wrong, and i get this feeling of immense sadness from her, which is even more discouraging and depressing when you consider that we can't explain to her what happened, rationalize anything with her, or just get her to share her grief with us - she's a cat, and she's just going to sleep a lot and stare off into space, and she's already moved into the space that Willow abandoned. we're probably going to get a new cat, and soon, since we'd been considering doing so anyway, once the cats were gone, and now i'm really concerned about Angel and her loneliness.

i had a cat die a while back, right before i left Seattle. it wasn't technically my cat, either, but the connection i had with him and the angst i felt over his death was similar to what i had with Willow. i actually was probably closer to Porn (the cat that died) than Willow. i came home from work and he was lying on the wooden floor in the doorway to my bedroom. he was already cold, and had been eaten up by fleas. it was really sad, and i broke down a little that night. i eventually had him cremated, but it was really difficult, because that night i couldn't do anything with him, so i basically had to wrap him up like garbage or something. i know i shouldn't take some incredible lesson about mortality from a couple of feline deaths, but it was a little intense, especially for someone like myself who hasn't had any people close to him die; and because the way those cats died and how things ended up for them was so contrary to what would ever happen for a human being.

there's no real good way to end this, just as there's no good way to end a living thing's time of consciousness and existence here on this plane. goodbye Willow. sorry for how things happened, and sorry for the way i yelled at you sometimes. you'll be missed and remembered.